Have You Fallen Prey to a Narcissistic Predator?

Ginny, a fictional character in my upcoming novel, Always Think of Me, has much in common with an accomplished entertainer friend of mine. Both became entangled with a narcissist, and both suffered the emotional consequences. Can you relate? Have you fallen prey to a narcissistic predator?

To be sure, the term narcissism gets bandied about a lot these days. Some even contend the personality disorder has become a modern epidemic. They equate narcissists with selfie-loving, thin-veneered braggarts who seem happy only when talking about themselves. 

But are they narcissists? 

Probably not. Narcissistic traits can rear their ugly heads in all of us. Sure, you may occasionally act selfishly or thoughtlessly when you don’t get your way. And yes, you may blame and begrudge others. But likely you take no pleasure in your behavior. 

Therein lies the difference. 

Narcissists, especially the malignant types on the continuum, do exhibit a sense of entitlement and believe they are better than others. They exploit and manipulate for their own gain and then show zero remorse for their actions. Degradation of others is their life force.

Think Hitler. Stalin. Mao Zedong. Or the evil stepmothers in Snow White and Cinderella. As social psychologist Erich Fromm said, malignant narcissists are “the quintessence of evil.”

“Most Cunning and Insidious Type”

My friend couldn’t agree more. Fromm nailed it.  

Her ex-husband is a passive-aggressive malignant narcissist. “Probably the most cunning and insidious type,” she told me. And because of his personality disorder, she will remain anonymous. If she went public with her experience, she believes he’d try to inflict more damage on her music and acting career.

Can you relate? Have you fallen prey to a narcissistic predator?  

An Unexpected Discovery

I probably would’ve never known about my friend’s predicament had I not sent an advance reader copy of Always Think of Me to her. Within a couple of days, she texted: “Bravo. Beautiful story.” 

Respecting her opinion, my heart soared . . . that is, until I read this:

“I could go on and on, but I will just say that I have experienced a narcissist firsthand, and no one can really understand their malevolence unless you’ve been their prey.” 

She saw herself in the Ginny character, and I had to share her story.

Two Women, the Same Experience

Like Ginny, my friend had no idea what lay ahead when she met her ex-husband at an autograph-signing party. “He came to my table, and he pursued and pursued me. ‘You’re my dream girl,’” he declared. And she took the bait, hearing only what she wanted to hear.

What she told me next could speak to you, especially if you’ve fallen prey to a narcissistic predator. “He studied me to find out what I valued, and then pretended to be in alignment with me.” 

Always a hard worker, my friend attributes her professional success to others. The voice and acting instructors, producers, and directors. People who offered constructive criticism to help hone her talents. As she would learn, he took shortcuts and used others, including her, to make himself look better. 

But in her mind, at least initially, he was everything he claimed to be . . . a well-connected, financially successful, and gifted record producer who always put his clients first. All he needed, unbeknownst to her, was someone like her—an empathic person who’d help sustain this mover-and-shaker image and keep him in the spotlight.  

The Truth Revealed

Within months, doubts started setting in. 

“I couldn’t get to the real person,” she said. “No one was there.”

Perhaps he suffered deep emotional wounds in childhood, which a decades-long use of Prozac had helped to suppress. “I don’t know how to describe it. But I was never able to get underneath the mask. That false self had become him. He needed to feel okay.” 

Counseling happened, but only to silence her heartfelt concerns. He didn’t need changing and became super-sensitive to her advice—something she’d valued throughout her long career. “I thought that if I gave him enough love, maybe he wouldn’t feel like he had to take advantage of others.”

Behind the Nice-Guy Image

By then, she’d started to see behind the mask. 

She discovered that he’d lie to his clients and withhold royalty payments, claiming their songs hadn’t performed as well as he’d initially hoped. Furthermore, he’d add his name to songs he didn’t write. And he’d never blink an eye. He, after all, deserved the money and acclaim. 

“Everything about him was a fraud. He never learned music. He hired others to do his work, and he didn’t care. It was always about the image.” 

A Desire to Pay It Forward

My friend, blessed with a sunny optimism, has learned much from the experience and wants to pay it forward. 

“Women need to be educated, to beware of them . . . and I admit that I had to do much research and study before I could even begin to understand the complexity of the disorder,” she said. “You must give up the notion that you’ll help or fix them. They don’t want to change.”

Harder still, she said, is understanding that the man she married had never loved her. “He was incapable of it. We all want a fairy tale romance and see through rose-colored glasses. I was an asset to bolster his self-esteem. And that’s hard to accept.” 

But no one should feel stuck in a toxic relationship, she said. “We all have free will. Find the courage and make the change. You can do it. I think people do learn through stories. I pray your book and this blog post touches many, and yes, makes a difference in their lives.”

Me too.

~~~

Have you fallen prey to a narcissistic predator, or do you know someone who has? Always Think of Me may resonate with your or your friends. Preorder here.