Do you believe evil exists? And what would you do if it manifested daily, invading your privacy, and undermining your peace? Would you feel lost and alone or blame yourself for inviting the trouble?
Elise has experienced those emotions.
The evil in her life is her now-estranged husband, a self-proclaimed Christian, a narcissist who’s made her life a living hell and is now throwing up roadblocks in her attempts to negotiate an amicable divorce and avoid expensive legal fees. If he’d agree, they could be divorced in three days, she said.
Do you believe evil exists?
Circle of Abuse
Elise and her mother, Bonnie, with whom she now lives, talked with me several months ago at a café somewhere in the South. Their real names and the exact location of our meeting will remain anonymous for obvious reasons once you read the rest of this blog post.
The “circle of abuse” started eight months into the marriage when her estranged husband began accusing her of infidelity, Elise said by way of introduction to what she’s experienced since her wedding in 2019.
Circle of abuse? Although I’d spent months researching the narcissistic personality disorder to create one of the characters in Always Think of Me, I’d never heard the term before.
“I’m surprised,” Elise said. “You know . . . the love bombing, the hysterics, followed by degrading, vicious, venomous, profane, and vulgar comments . . . the circle of abuse.”
He’d profess his love one minute, and then call her a Jezebel, liar, and cheat the next, she said. He’d accuse her of not remembering events accurately, incapable of getting anything right. The constant criticism wore her down. “I almost had myself mentally evaluated,” she said.
“It was hell,” she continued, describing her time living with him, “and I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. I was so embarrassed.”
The Abuse in His Words
Unfortunately, the cycle of abuse continues to this day.
Elise pushed her phone across the table so that I could scan some of the text messages she’s received since leaving him two years ago, then so fearful for her life that she’d lock her bedroom door at night.
- “Too bad none of you mother (expletive) choked on your dinner tonight.” One read.
- “I should have (expletive) moved before we got married like I planned on doing. (Expletive) you. (Expletive) you. (Expletive) you. You have (expletive) destroyed my life. You’re a cheating (expletive) . . .” The rest of the message can’t be included because it contained so much vulgar sexual innuendo.
- And then there was this: “I wish one of us would die.”
Just a small sample. My first reaction was shock. No wonder Elise’s parents installed a security system. “And the thing is, if you met him, you’d love him,” said her mom. “He presents himself as a great person. This is a whole new level of evil.”
And Then the Love Bombing
We talked for nearly two hours. When it was time to go. I asked Elise to provide a few texts to help illustrate the narcissistic personality through her husband’s own words.
“He was off work today and blew up my phone,” she texted a few days later, explaining she typically avoids communication with him. “He called sixty-four times. I finally talked to him because I had to work, and he wasn’t going to quit. He’s in the love-bombing mode now, not fighting since I brought up (hiring a divorce) lawyer again.”
The change was jaw dropping. It’s the game he plays.
“Good morning my wife, my love, my gift from God,” he wrote in one message. “I love you; I miss you; I want you to see Christ in me,” he said in another. Even if she blocks him, he uses a private number to get through, she said.
Where is Christ in This?
I can’t understand, and neither can her mother, why she hasn’t pushed the issue. Forget amicability. Hire an attorney regardless of the cost. She’s no closer to ridding herself of this deceiver than she was two years ago. He still controls and manipulates her.
“I don’t know why,” she said, “I tried to divorce him, but the Lord stopped the process. The lawyer I hired went MIA and God said to wait . . . I do believe there’s a safety factor.” And until God directs her to move forward, Elise said she’ll wait.
To this day, thoughts still race through my mind. Is she purposely hanging onto this relationship? Finding excuses? Or is God truly telling her to delay the process because only He knows how this situation will work out?
What do you think?
~~~
In Always Think of Me, Ginny, like Elise, falls prey to a narcissist. And Ginny, also like Elise, experiences mind-numbing mental abuse. Although the novel addresses many different themes, it also portrays the perils of getting involved with people suffering from this largely unfixable personality disorder. A sequel, The Game of Cat and Mouse, is now in the works.
Lori, this message is heartbreaking. But so pervasive in our culture. I give Elise BIG props for wisely setting herself aside from her abusive husband while seeking God’s will. Not going to say whether I think she should stay or go, but if it were me I believe I would seek trusted counsel to lead me in listening prayer so I could hear what God says about this marriage.
I pray Father God, bless this faithful woman and keep her strong in mind, body, and spirit. Give her ears to hear You. Bless this husband and heal him from the demons of narcissism. We pray this in the precious blood of Christ Jesus, Amen.
I pray the same for her. Thanks for your sharing your views and best wishes.
From what I’ve read, narcissists rarely, if ever, change because they never think THEY are the problem. Everyone else is the problem, so there is no reason for THEM to change. Given this, Elise has chosen to be in a holding pattern with someone who is unlikely to change his behavior. And maybe that’s where she needs to be, but it seems that she won’t be able to truly move forward until the relationship is completely severed and communication channels are shut down.
I couldn’t agree with you more. She is in a holding pattern. I just pray she’s listening to the one true God, and not the evil one. Thanks for reading.
She needs to seek a lawyer soon and get away from this man. A narcissist does not change and her life will continue to be miserable as long as he is in her life. It takes time for those to leave abusers in hope that he/she will change. Good luck to her.
I’ll let her know that you’re wishing the best. Thanks, Greta, for your comments. Much appreciated.
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